Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
