Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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