MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
