my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
