There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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