Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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