There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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