I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
