my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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