I should be sponsored by Trojan
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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