You just made me feel so damn special
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
