Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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