In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
