Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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