she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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