Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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