Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
