I want to walk on stilts...naked
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
