my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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