I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
