I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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