Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
