nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
