She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
