My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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