I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
