Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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