I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
