you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
