I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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