Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
