Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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