dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Randomize
