Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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