The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
