You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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