Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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