I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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