WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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