I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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