i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
