it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
