life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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