I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
