If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
