he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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