I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
