then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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