i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
