This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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