oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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