Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
