Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
